Imagine with me that this week your world has suddenly gone pear shaped. Expected outcomes have not materialised, or there has been failure or disappointment or a dramatic change in direction.
In these situations, who’s got your back?
These past two weeks have seen a somewhat reflective musing on where our sense of peace is in times of change, and when change happens, how do we recalibrate.
These reflections have come in part because of changes and uncertainty in my own life and in those close to me. Additionally, there are always situations that clients are facing that make me stop and think about what general principles are at work.
What strikes me this week is the importance of people to stand behind us when life is uncertain and frightening.
Look at this picture – taken gratefully from Mind Unleashed Art – photograph by Sergei Gladyshev.
What does it make you think of? That is one strong protective parent filling the gap behind that little cub. That big bear most definitely has got the little one’s back.
Who’s got your back?
Who do you have in your life who protects you and is strong when you are feeling weak? That little bear might be needing to step out into the world and let go of the safety of the cave. But to do so requires courage that he hasn’t quite mustered yet.
We all need someone who believes IN us and believes WITH us for what we are trying to do. Someone who gives us the courage that we might be lacking – reminds us of all we can do, of our strengths and abilities, calls us to a higher belief in ourselves.
When life turns out not as we hoped and dreamed but is hard and we are dealing with unexpected change, we need someone to stand with us and say,
You can do this. You can grow and learn through this. I am here. I’ve got your back”
Sometimes we need someone to be our guard and protector. Many years ago my mum had a near fatal car accident. She was critically ill in hospital, I had two very small children, and it was overwhelming and exhausting. There were times when the concerned questions of others were almost too much – not because their concern was not important, just because I was almost beyond being able to function. In those times, a dear friend was to me that big strong bear in shouldering and fielding the questions to allow me to hide and breathe.
Who’s got your back?
It might be that people have certain expectations of you and how you will behave, and it is hard to break out of that. Perhaps you are used to people experiencing you as strong, capable and a go-to fix it person. But at present you are feeling deeply vulnerable. Or people have certain expectations of how you will behave and the types of roles you will fill, and you feel constrained and yearn to break out of that set of expectations. How do you deal with that?
We all need someone with whom we can be completely ourselves. Who sees the real us – vulnerabilities, flaws, warts and all – and neither judges nor stops loving us.
For me, I have a little treasured group of fellow Christian coaches who absolutely have my back. They see me. With them, I am completely safe to process out loud uncertainties and vulnerabilities about all I am learning about my own character growth and coaching. They not only allow me to see where I am growing but consistently and specifically affirm me in all that they see is good in me.
Look again at that little bear. One paw on the cave wall still….perhaps you have one foot in the scary next possibility that you long to try, and one foot remains in your current situation because it is safer. You need someone who has your back to say, I believe in who you are becoming, and you can do this even though it is scary. And then…
…to give you a little shove.
Because sometimes we need that push to pursue that dream: apply for that job, have that difficult but important conversation, make that life-changing move. As John Ortberg says in his spectacularly named book –
If you want to walk on water you’ve got to get out of the boat.”
It takes someone who loves us, who has our back, who is committed to us and who consistently supports us to give us that shove knowing that it is what we need.
Who do you have in your life that has your back in these ways? Nurture those relationships – they may be only one or two people but that is enough. Spend time intentionally developing and investing in those relationships because those people are precious. Appreciate them often and specifically. And give them feedback on what they mean to you. Friends like that are priceless. I wrote this post three years ago about the importance of having people to lean on. It remains as relevant today.
One final question –
Who’s back have you got?
To whom are you this kind of friend?
Who’s got your back? If you are needing someone external to believe with you for what you want to do and who you want to become, a life coach can be invaluable. Get in touch to find out more.